The True Story of the Nutjob In My Dorm

For my second week in Melbourne I moved to a hostel in the Southbank area of Melbourne. It was perfect. With just a 10 minute walk to the CBD I was a stones throw away from all the action.

So here I was in my 4-bed dorm in Urban Central one evening watching The Blacklist on Netflix with my earphones in, when suddenly I was interrupted by the sound of an elephant charging through the door. The thudding was rapidly followed by calls for my name. ‘What the fuck’, I said to myself. The story that was to unfold was terrifying…and it goes like this.

The girl (what was her name I wonder?) wants my advice and politely asks if she could chat to me about her ‘COMPLETE DILEMMA’! I’m thinking to myself that it’s bound to be some shit about running out of money -the usual story from backpackers I’d met so far.

Girl begins to tell me a story about this ‘guy she’s been chatting to’ that she came to Melbourne to meet up with. The look I gave her probably said it all – who the fuck does that!? Anyway, turns out he’s acting in MacBeth at a local theatre and she went down there and hung around at the back door to try see him. It didn’t happen. The next day she hung around at the front door, and again didn’t see him. I’m already thinking this is pretty fucking odd behaviour from a guy whose bird had just flown to the other side of the world to see him.

Next she explains that she left him a letter…but why when you have his number I’m thinking to myself. I ended up asking that question out loud and she told me that she doesn’t have is number, but that she’d been trying to chat to him through his Instagram account. She did leave her number in the letter though. Absolutely NONE of this was adding up in my head!

This was followed by a story about when she watched the play and was sat in the third row from the stage. There was a scene where ‘he’, the actor, was putting on his shoes. He looked up and made eye contact with her and then dropped his shoes. ‘How sweet’, she says to me.

I think she was waiting for me to give some advice regarding getting hold of this actor guy. Obviously, I’m totally fucking confused altogether with all of this so all I could say was, ‘Well y’know, he knows how to contact you so the ball’s in his court, and if he doesn’t bother, fuck him, his loss’. She was outraged at my advice. She was throwing her arms around in the air and shouting at me saying ‘I CANNOT accept that, I have waited years for this and it MUST work! My friend text me saying the same thing and I just can’t take it, I NEED to make it work with Jay!’. She stormed out. I was left there wondering what the hell had just happened.

Her story bugged me, actually it pissed me off because I couldn’t get my head around it. I decided to Google ‘MacBeth play, Melbourne, Jay’. I found information on the play and the actors in it. Everything fell into place. I had solved the puzzle.

Jay, is in fact the famous Australian actor, Jai Courtney (Jack Reacher) and was the lead in MacBeth at the local theatre in Southbank. Do you see where I’m going with this now!? There was an explanation for everything – based on his celebrity status. They’d never had a conversation, there was no arrangement between them for her to come to Australia and ‘make it work with him’, he wasn’t ever going to call her, and when he dropped his shoes in the play it was because he was terrified that his stalker was there glaring at him like she wanted to have his babies! She was obsessed with him and stalking him.

My revelation was disturbing and I did all I could to avoid her. We didn’t talk much again. Thank god!

A further bizarre observation about ‘the girl’ is that she spoke in an American accent. When I asked her why, she told me that it’s because she watches a lot of American TV shows, but she’s actually Irish. Logical explanation. Completely understandable. Not.

Crazy people, crazy people everywhere.

NB: This post is tagged as ‘humorous’, take no offence in the term ‘nutjob’ or ‘crazy people’, for I too, am a little bit of a crazy nutjob.

2 thoughts on “The True Story of the Nutjob In My Dorm

  1. Lolllll This was hilarious! Feel for Jai haha although her infatuation with him is understandable i absolutely love the Jack Reacher books xx

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